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Day 143 - 23 November 2005 integration plateau so, happy Thanksgiving tomorrow folks. hope you all enjoy the spoils of the developed country with your feasts and delectable dinners and desserts. I’m jealous. and in other news... short week = happy steve, especially with the test I have to give soon. I think I’m startin to feel a bit more stressed, out of place, like I’m not integrating much. seems like tons o’ folks know and are known by lots of locals, but of course 2 months is nothing- lots of time to still do so. it’s weird, watchin American movies makes me feel like I’m not even here for a while, and like I’ve escaped back into the states, which is a whole ‘nother world than right outside my door. I feel more pressured to socialize, to spit out the standard greeting to folks, to make all the effort to get to know folks around me without them seeming to care too much about who I am. are the constant ties to American culture through movies and my pictures from home keeping me from feeling more at home with my community here? should I stop exposing myself to American things in order to grow my CVean culture? probably? I feel like I was really growing there for a while, makin tons of progress, and now I feel like that has reached a plateau. of the awful plateau. I’ll check the anxiety chart to see if i’m just goin thru the typical cycle of a volunteer. seems like I just don’t wanna do anything anymore. when will I wanna do everything again? it’s not that I need a break, I mean c’mon it’s been 2 months. I haven’t even got my li’l toe wet yet. pull I together mós. sheeesh. recently I feel like I did back in the states, stressed about work and not really wantin to do anything with anybody. I just wanna chill alone for a hot second. but is that even possible in a world where there’s always somebody around? and there’s always some sort of effort to make to establish some sort of relationship and then maintain it. I just don’t wanna make that effort right now. just for right now. in a few moments, I should be fine. but I don’t think I’ll ever get that moment. have you ever felt that? it’s a weird phenomenon of sorts. maybe I’m just feenin for that independence I used to have so much of back in the day. when I grew up alone. no father figure to be cool with. not many friends outside of school. always entertaining myself. that was soooo long ago. I wonder if I just want a moment of that. and for what? old times sake? hahaha...oh the conundrum. but for now, the opportunity has passed. maybe it will make itself apparent again one day. «fingers crossed» <--- structured life                away from home --->