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Day 140 - 20 November 2005 my loathing of predefined, structured life do you live a life entirely structured by forces you can’t control? are those forces controlled by something or someone else? or are they controlled by your conscious? or your subconscious? do you need to live a life that is predefined by something you don’t even know or understand? do you just need to do things a certain way just because? do you even understand why? and does that seem like a problem to you? if it is, would you try to stop living like that? or would you just succumb to those forces because you have always lived that way? would you really NOT change your ways if you saw living this way as a problem? would you just blame it on other things? like your upbringing? like your background? your parents? the undesirable situations you’ve found yourself in once after you moved away from home? and if you blamed this lifestyle on these things, would you ever blame yourself for not tryin to change this about yourself? or would you just keep on goin? what if you saw that it made you a nutcase every now and then? if it made you cry cuz you couldn’t handle new situations around you that for some reason didn’t seem to fit this model of what your used to? would you notice? or would you just break down, then try to move on? or would you adapt if it meant changing something about this way of living? what if it was just one quick temporary change? what if it was a few? what if it changed the very way you lived your life? and not just temporarily? would that scare you? would you do it anyways? or would you just try your durndest to keep living the way you know? what if those closest to you hated that about you? and you clashed about it every now & then? would that bother you? would it bother you enough to try to adjust to those people and your relationship with them? would you even think it was a problem? if you did, could you then try to adjust to the new situation with those people in it? or would you just have to stick to the way you’ve always lived? if yes, how do you live like that? cuz I just don’t get it.................. <--- clear day, confused students                plateau --->